There was a time in America when it was acceptable, even expected, for a man to be a completely juvenile asshole. It was considered commonplace not to just drink at work but to drink heavily. There was a time in this, the greatest of all nations that you could bang your secretary without getting fired and getting your firm sued for every last liquid asset on their balance sheet. It was in this golden age where women would dutifully be waiting at home for their man with a properly built drink and a four course dinner in the oven. But it was not to last.
Somewhere in the annals of history we lost the will to take what was rightfully ours. We lost the drive and desire to be the best. We started handing out participation trophies for little league baseball and our children were taught that it was acceptable to lose. Do you think when SEAL Team Six boarded the helicopters to go and say hello to Osama Bin Laden for America that they said to each other; “It’s OK if we fail because at least we tried.”? No. No, they most certainly did not. They said to each other; “We shall wrought terrible vengeance upon our foe even if it costs us our very lives.” I doubt they can even spell “failure”. I thank God that those who still adhere to this, the most sacred covenant of manhood still exist in this world of mediocrity.
Given the above it is not surprising that Duke Nukem Forever is getting bad reviews out there in the media because it is “juvenile” and “sexist”. This is preposterous. If drinking heavily and slapping girl’s asses is sexist I guess that makes me a pig then.
The biblically long development time of Duke Nukem Forever made it impossible for it to live up to the endless hype. The original game revolutionized the first person shooter. Duke Nukem Forever didn’t set out to achieve that same goal. It set out to pay homage to its predecessor and to celebrate a time long ago when it was seen as good to be a man. It is by this yardstick that I measure Duke Nukem Forever’s success.
Duke himself is like an amalgamation of great American heroes, the perfect cross between John Wayne and Andrew Dice Clay. He stands as a walking talking monument to all great American men who came before him. He’s like an American James Bond but instead of a bespoke suit from Gieves & Hawkes he wears a tank-top and jeans. He shoots not only lethal lead projectiles but searing witticisms like “Hail to the king, baby!” and “I ought to break a broom handle off in your ass.” Which is exactly what was said right before one of the SEALs ventilated Bin Laden (we assume).
No the game play isn’t unique and maybe it is a little cumbersome at times. Sure the graphics aren’t mind-blowing. But the fact of the matter is that it is still a fun to play game that delivers exactly what was promised. A no holds-barred ass kicking fest. The game achieved what it set out to achieve.
Basically, if you don’t buy Duke Nukem Forever, you don’t love America.