Single player games have to be pretty amazing for me to pick them up. I rocked the original Dragon Age almost as hard as I rocked Dragon Warrior for Nintendo circa 1986. Ahh, just thinking about metal slime, goldman, and Eldrick's Armor brings back so many awkward childhood memories. It was a foregone conclusion that I'd be huddled up in a dark corner whispering sweet nothings to my copy of Dragon Age 2 when it came out. This article was totally going to be about how "Dragon Age 2 Rocks", but the more I got to thinking about it the more I realized the wool had been pulled over my eyes. For a game I played religiously for two weeks straight you would have thought it was the best thing to happen to me since I got my Dungeons & Dragons Fortress of Fangs for christmas! No really, that was pretty much the best toy ever - the picture does it no justice. However, a few months after our separation I finally see the truth. Akin to a gold digging ex-girlfriend, Dragon Age 2 only wants you for your money.
Gameplay
I hope you saved some of your allowance to purchase a new space bar. The gameplay is probably 90% the same as before with small modifications to the skill trees, party commands, and equipment. Was I the only one annoyed that I could only equip my party members with weapons and not armor? The gameplay isn’t all bad, no reason to fix something that isn’t broken and keeping controls the same lets old players get started quicker. The Mage and particularly the Rogue feel a lot squishier and the Tank feels a little more solid this time around.
Plot
The game felt really forced, and many of the characters were just plain annoying. I mean, Anders as a main character... Really? In Dragon Age the plot seemed to flow easier and it felt like you actually had some influence on the direction of the game. DA2 makes you color between the lines whether you want to or not. Sure, there are a few shiny side quests to distract the 76% of you with ADD, but overall it's pretty apparent to see where things are heading.
Genocide
No matter what path you choose you end up slaughtering entire factions. Usually this is a pretty common theme in games where one faction is inherently evil and it's your job to rid the world of their evil and restore balance. However, in DA2 it doesn’t seem like any of the factions are inherently evil rather they are just misunderstood. If there had been even one decent negotiator mass murder could have been avoided. For those of you with a Hitler complex this might sound like a great feature. For normal people, it should leave you a bit disappointed and confused. If it doesn't, I urge you to stop torturing small animals and seek help.
Lesbians
Seriously, where the hell is my lesbian love connection. All I could find was a gay male prostitute in the inn hitting on me constantly. Sure, he has silky smooth skin, the lips of Angelina Jolie, and is as limber as a gymnast - but I just don’t swing that way. I guess I'm just disappointed that I got carded when purchasing the game due to blood, gore, and dismemberment alone.
DRM
Your copy of DA2 gets tied to your EA account the first time you log in. The EULA states that the software is non transferable. Meaning you cannot sell it or even give it away for free if you wanted to. This might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but for me it's something I could have used on the site as a giveaway to attract readers. I never liked EA very much, and I'm beginning to dislike Bioware now which is a shame because I was a big fan Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter nights fan.
Win/Mac
Thanks to the 2% of Mac users out there, the game was shipped on a dual platform DVD that was supposed to work on either system. This ingenious plan didn’t work out so well for me. Since my gaming PC didn’t recognize the DA2 DVD, I had to copy the entire disk to my laptop (which did recognize the DVD), transfer it to a removable storage device, then transfer it to my gaming PC to install it. I guess you're shit out of luck if you don’t have those options available to you. When are you morons going to stop buying computers because they are aesthetically pleasing. I don’t even mean the software itself is, because it's just as unfriendly and goofy looking as it was 3 years ago. I mean that overpriced metal case surrounding your shitty software. I guess Mac users are like the women of computers. If you hadn’t guessed... I'm a fucking PC.
Let me save you some time and money - don’t purchase DA2. You'd be better off renting a hooker for an hour. You'll have memories that last longer and a burning and/or scratching feeling that you can’t get rid of. Just like the DA2 software...
References:
Normally I don’t bother referencing where I get images from - but I have to give a shout out to Super Toy Archive Collectible Store for the sweet Fortress of Fangs image and for fighting the good fight by hoarding all that priceless memorabilia. Some of these priceless artifacts of history can even be yours for under $5.