Pop quiz, hot shot:
So it’s your birthday. You’re out at the bar taking shots of tequila and pounding back vodka and sodas like you were trying put out a fire in the nether regions of your upper-G.I. tract. Then it hits you, you have to raid in 15 minutes and you’ve been going at it at this pace for the last 6 hours.
What do you do?
Well, if you’re like me, which you’re probably not, you go home and log on. Which is just what I did.
It would be awesome if I could go on and regale you with tales of downing hard mode bosses while being severely inebriated but I can’t, for two reasons. The first, I am now a casual raider and my guild is too lazy to attempt hard modes until we’re too bored with the encounters on regular mode that on hard mode it just becomes punishing boredom. We’re not proud of this, but it’s our $15 per month so piss off.
The second reason I can’t tell of tales of downing hard mode bosses is, well, in the words of my immortal ex-roommate: “Daddy drinks”. I will go into that in a little bit, but apparently from what my guildees tell me and from what little I remember, I passed out at the keyboard mid-raid. Nothing screams rock-bottom like waking up at 4:30 in the morning with a raging hangover gazing with puzzlement at the login screen to World of Warcraft and wondering what happened.
So Priapus, what’s up with “Daddy drinks”? Good question. Let me explain.
My old roommate, whose name shall be withheld in case he ever holds public office, was/is a prolific drunkard. Now, I know some of you out there are thinking, whatever I could put him under-the -table, but you would be wrong. A “light night” for him would be over a liter of vodka and light nights were few and far between.
At this point, if any kids are reading this let me just say that it is a terrible idea to drink this much. A liter of vodka consumed in a few hours would put most frat boys in the hospital or the grave. For my roommate, that is what he would drink if he had to get up “early” the next morning.
End of PSA and back to “Daddy drinks”. So one day, a friend and I go back to my house and find my roommate full-on drunk. He’s in nothing but his boxers and throwing furniture around the house and clearly having a good time doing it. My friend that I was with didn’t have the best relationship with his father and my roommate decided to play psychotherapist after what could only be describe as an unhealthy amount of alcohol. He started asking my friend about his relationship with his father and if he wanted a hug. Then the epicness began.
He started to reenact scenes as my friend’s father. Screaming at my friend and telling him what disappointment he was. Then after it was all over he said, “It’s OK, I still love you. Daddy drinks.”
From then on, whenever we offended someone, which was often, we would just look at them and tell them that Daddy drinks. Like when my roommate rammed our neighbor’s car with his car repeatedly while our neighbor looked on in horror from her front porch. He just calmly explained to her that Daddy drinks. When the police came over later that same day to investigate, he just clearly stated to them that Daddy in fact drinks. Then, after missing his court date and finally showing up to court, drunk, he addressed the judge and told him that Daddy drinks.
It didn’t work in the above situation but you would be surprised at how well it had worked in that past. You should use it sometime and see if it works for you, because it sure as hell worked with my guildees.